Down

I am meek.
I am minuscule.
I am insignificant.
I am foolish.
And unworthy.
I give in.
Then give up.
I hate mornings.
I don't look forward to tomorrow.

Worthless

why even hope anymore..doesn't bring you anything but sadness and disapointment.

Just a fad

Entering into the four walls confining a group of followers dutifully staring up at screens filled with words meant to provoke an emotion. I am not the good worshiper, with her hands outstretched, singing to barriers and computers. I am crouched, sitting in my chair. Staring down at my feet, furrowed brow. Wondering why all these people are here and why they continue to show up every week at the same time at the same place, doing the same thing they've been doing for years and years. The place may change, the name changes, the faces change, but the schedule is always there, the walls are still there. I can't do it. Pick my things up and walk out, while the others sit and wait to be told how to feel and what to think for the rest of their week. Not for this girl.

Forgive

Give me an unlit candle. Send me down to the park,
where there are swings and puddles of forgotten children.
You pushed me out blindly, into this open darkness.

I cried for my innocence was washed away with the afternoon.
Flooded by lies, the winds of shame dried the intoxicating
stench of how things could have been.

I got pregnant with an idea, almost carried it full term.
But I woke up and something had killed it before I
could give it life and experience the real light.

Must have been the flame that never showed up on my candle.
Must have given the light too soon, inside where it bounced
off the walls and was useless blinding what little
sustance there was growing.

No, no you don't understand.
Please. Listen listen listen.

It's the gentle lull of progress.

Please let it be Him

I just fell in love with The Helio Sequence's newest album. I can't go to bed, it's one am and I can't pull myself from this music.

Time to EAT

Sheesh I'm such a girl. Getting excited over little things. Butterflies tickling my insides, I feel a little pathetic but i've got a little smirk on my face anyways.

I'm learning to be patient, I remember praying for patience years and years ago. And you know praying for such a thing is basically big trouble, but I went for it anyways. Then what happens? Harper comes into my life. I am so thankful for her friendship. She has helped me grow so much, learn to love differently, see things from a different angle.

Been making a lot of tee shirts the past couple of weeks. I really like them. I want to start on some charcoal drawings, for Ben and Carrie next though. I haven't the slightest idea what to do for them, but that's the exciting part..the process. The figuring out. Have to go eat dinner with the grandparents...

Tattooing for Dummies

I've got it. A goal. Tattoo, I've been talking about it for over a year and I think it's time to actually do something about it. If an ex-convict can construct a machine and tattoo without ANY previous artistic talents or abilities then I sure as hell should be able to do the real thing. I'm pretty excited about the idea of it.

I feel like since Harper told me about her little secret that we've been growing apart. Everything has become more infrequent. The text messages, the calling, the hanging out...it's getting farther and farther apart. I can feel her pulling away. I wouldn't have noticed except that I've been at home much more these days. Maybe it's just me, it has been awfully cold out, and rainy, and she has school, and Luci, and her mom. She's terribly disappointed about not being pregnant. I'm worried about her. I wish things were easier. And I hope for my sake she isn't talking to Mr. Dick. The thought makes me want to crawl inside a log and cut myself.

One thing that has been making me exceptionally happy is that i've been swimming. My old boss Chip put me on his family membership at the Y so that the "newbies" wouldn't question my being there when I came in while no one i know is working. I'm going in tomorrow again. Mmmm chlorine...its delightful. I also took Amy running tonight.

I want someone to share my secrets with.