Just a fad

Entering into the four walls confining a group of followers dutifully staring up at screens filled with words meant to provoke an emotion. I am not the good worshiper, with her hands outstretched, singing to barriers and computers. I am crouched, sitting in my chair. Staring down at my feet, furrowed brow. Wondering why all these people are here and why they continue to show up every week at the same time at the same place, doing the same thing they've been doing for years and years. The place may change, the name changes, the faces change, but the schedule is always there, the walls are still there. I can't do it. Pick my things up and walk out, while the others sit and wait to be told how to feel and what to think for the rest of their week. Not for this girl.

Forgive

Give me an unlit candle. Send me down to the park,
where there are swings and puddles of forgotten children.
You pushed me out blindly, into this open darkness.

I cried for my innocence was washed away with the afternoon.
Flooded by lies, the winds of shame dried the intoxicating
stench of how things could have been.

I got pregnant with an idea, almost carried it full term.
But I woke up and something had killed it before I
could give it life and experience the real light.

Must have been the flame that never showed up on my candle.
Must have given the light too soon, inside where it bounced
off the walls and was useless blinding what little
sustance there was growing.

No, no you don't understand.
Please. Listen listen listen.

It's the gentle lull of progress.

Please let it be Him

I just fell in love with The Helio Sequence's newest album. I can't go to bed, it's one am and I can't pull myself from this music.

Time to EAT

Sheesh I'm such a girl. Getting excited over little things. Butterflies tickling my insides, I feel a little pathetic but i've got a little smirk on my face anyways.

I'm learning to be patient, I remember praying for patience years and years ago. And you know praying for such a thing is basically big trouble, but I went for it anyways. Then what happens? Harper comes into my life. I am so thankful for her friendship. She has helped me grow so much, learn to love differently, see things from a different angle.

Been making a lot of tee shirts the past couple of weeks. I really like them. I want to start on some charcoal drawings, for Ben and Carrie next though. I haven't the slightest idea what to do for them, but that's the exciting part..the process. The figuring out. Have to go eat dinner with the grandparents...

Tattooing for Dummies

I've got it. A goal. Tattoo, I've been talking about it for over a year and I think it's time to actually do something about it. If an ex-convict can construct a machine and tattoo without ANY previous artistic talents or abilities then I sure as hell should be able to do the real thing. I'm pretty excited about the idea of it.

I feel like since Harper told me about her little secret that we've been growing apart. Everything has become more infrequent. The text messages, the calling, the hanging out...it's getting farther and farther apart. I can feel her pulling away. I wouldn't have noticed except that I've been at home much more these days. Maybe it's just me, it has been awfully cold out, and rainy, and she has school, and Luci, and her mom. She's terribly disappointed about not being pregnant. I'm worried about her. I wish things were easier. And I hope for my sake she isn't talking to Mr. Dick. The thought makes me want to crawl inside a log and cut myself.

One thing that has been making me exceptionally happy is that i've been swimming. My old boss Chip put me on his family membership at the Y so that the "newbies" wouldn't question my being there when I came in while no one i know is working. I'm going in tomorrow again. Mmmm chlorine...its delightful. I also took Amy running tonight.

I want someone to share my secrets with.

Music Theory for Dummies

She's NOT pregnant!

Sigh, flooding relief.

Painted tails and noes are always a sure fire way to make you feel feminine. I'm sporting "merlot". Enjoying it quite a bit. Work was awfully slow today. I pulled out my origami skills and crafted a paper crane mobile with the help of fishing line and paper clips. Had to throw it all away afterwards to get rid of the evidence our store manager may have found had I not.

I'm amazed at people's capability to create music. Write it, sing it, find melodies for it, how to play an instrument around it, or write around an instrumental piece. It's not so much wanting something I don't have as it is wanting to know how it all works. Logically.

I'm going to finish the Narnia Chronicles by ending it with The Magician's Nephew. I somehow forgot it in the mix trying to read it by when they were written and published. Oh well.

It's like I just found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwhich

It's my mom's birthday today. She's 58. That's too close to 60 for my comfort. I don't like seeing her get old. Just because the closer she gets to the end doesn't mean anything will be easier for her or my dad. In fact things are just as hard for them now as it was 30 years ago. Financially struggling, never being able to get ahead, constantly having to work terribly hard with no rest to get by. I hate that. I don't want that.
I need to start a savings account. I applied for a job at Rgis yesterday. Jessica a girl I work with recently got a job doing inventory for them and Becky and I are trying to do the same, because Fashion Bug sucks ass.
Harper and I went and saw 27 dresses tonight. Good movie, and Bad movie. It's making me miss something I don't have. Love.

Fuck that.

More still must come out

And so I sit and wait. For the day when my fingers move across a piano instinctively creating music. So I can sing with all the talented blue birds that so cunningly wake the traveling campers laid so heavily on the grass in the middle of no where. I wish that were me having no agenda, seen through the thick glass on a moving train. Fleeing to Washington or walking down the street to the house where all of my imaginary friends meet. We'll sit and drink tea from mason jars. I'll dance down the aisle serenaded by the beats of poppy treat. Save me if you can, catch me now that i'm falling. It happens so slowly I am incapable of delivering the blow. It doesn't make sense to me now the things I want to do. I dreamt my mother ran through the house killing people and I hid under a bed for years in a room that use to be an office. I didn't want her to kill me and I didn't understand why she wanted to. It's painful stuffing your face with instant gratification, which in the end is exactly that. An instant that lasts no longer than the meat thrown to the dogs. My mind is full of worry and I have to try and sleep now.

Naint

I'm worn out. In just about every area of my life I'm struggling with the idea of an unknown future. Where I don't have any goals or aspirations. I absolutely hate having this gut wrenching longing to be with someone...it's driving me mad. To the point where any and all boys/men catch my eye and I longingly look at them as if they have something they can offer me. I have these stupid little crushes that I think about. How it would be walking down the aisle to them, or living in the same house together, or raising a child with. It's obsessive. The girls at work lately have been talking about me, not bad or anything. They just keep saying how really neat I am, how I can wear anything and look good, and I've got a really nice shaped body and beautiful facial features. And they say they can't understand why I'm not taken. It's been depressing. The most frustrating thing is that I don't actually want to be with someone as an answer to fix my unknown future woes. I just want to figure out what the hell I actually want to work towards.
Since my last post I've been thinking about the Chicago Art Institute. Maybe going to school somewhere, which means giving up Margot. Leaving her here with my parents while I pursue a fine arts degree. I can't do it. I can't leave her. She's my baby. So that thought got thrown out the window.
Also, can I picture myself helping raise and being the main child-care provider for my best friend's child whose father could potentially be my ex-boyfriend that I've been in love with for the past two plus years? She's six days late now and the likely-hood of her being barren is looking pretty dim.
Should I pay closer attention to coincidences? Or maybe they aren't really coincidences because I wouldn't have noticed them unless this new person had come into my life in the first place. For example: hearing the same name everywhere, driving the same type of vehicle, having similar/same jobs. I'm going to drop it, the mindset i'm in about this person. It's like hoping on Margot becoming a puppy again. Tis naint gonna happen.

I need a good soaking

So what's on my mind most heavily right now? My best friend might be pregnant. And it could either be my ex's baby or her ex's baby. I feel like i should be sitting on stage talking to Mr. J. Springer ready to kick some white trash with my black flats and pull hair out. The most frustrating thing is that I was naive to the whole thing. I broke down again the other day when I realized while i was talking to her that she'd been with him a hell of a lot more recently than I thought. Hence her confusion about who the daddy might be. I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at myself. For being so vulnerable to two people who can't care. I'm still processing it and I think this is one of the best ways for me.

My mom told me I needed to start writing. Felt like it was something that i should be doing for the good of me, of my being. I think I agree with her. It's helping me get through some of my thoughts i'm refusing to let come to the surface. I've become very internalized over the past several years and couldn't understand that until I started having very straight forward dreams. Because of my refusal to deal with what's going on around me and have opinions and show emotions as things are happening to me my soul basically will do it for me in my dreams. Where what happens in the dream while i'm asleep is all of what i want to say and feel and do in real life but can't. My mind works it all out in my dreams because it NEEDS to get OUT one way or another. The dreams are like little bombs, coming unexpectedly and out of no where. It's not a healthy thing, you know...how i work.

I've been reading the Narnia books again. Started the Last Battle last night to finish the series and remembered instantly after reading the first paragraph how intensely aggravated and emotionally upset I get because of that last damn book. It's too much like real life which is too difficult for me to handle 100% of the time. Which do i prefer...happiness through blind ignorance or depression through wisdom. I don't know.

According to Arthur Burk I'm a prophet, based on his characteristics of a prophet. I pretty much fall into all the categories of traits that define a prophet. Being judgmental and suffering from depression due to the unknown path for one's life are examples. Not having a set agenda is beginning to wear me thin.

I can't eat ice cream anymore. It makes me sick. How sad is that.

Everyday I look for the sign of a letter

I signed up for emusic again earlier this evening. Oh the wonders new music can do to one's spirit. The most noteworthy download was The Miracle Fortress album, Five Roses. I'm finding it hard to sit still to, well I generally find sitting still a difficult task but this just adds to that difficulty. Everyone is starting school again this week and I opted out of signing up for the general ed classes I kept telling everyone (including myself) that I was going to take. The idea of classes weighs so heavily on my mind that I yellow-bellied out.

It's alarming to me sometimes how badly I wish school played a more important role in my life. I want so badly to be accepted into an art school and move away and live with Margot and finish years of courses. Yet, I can never bring myself to move in that direction. A long lost friend of mine stopped by earlier today. He's been living in Tennessee for the past year or two and is in town getting pictures taken of all his work for his portfolio. He's trying to get into an art school in Savannah, Georgia. It was refreshing to see him and talk to him. He came to our house just for a few minutes to drop off his great grandmother's tin of buttons (his mom's idea to gift me) before he had to leave for the airport. I was silly and awkward and he was shaky and like an idiot I didn't even offer him an invitation to sit down. So we stood around twitching and moving and talking like two people who use to enjoy each other's company and were pleasantly surprised that the enjoyment was still there. His going to school just made it more apparent to me how much I want to do the same.

I've been surfing around seeing groups of friends on the streets, in stores, coffee shops, passing cars, in pictures, and on the interweb and I long for a group of people to work with, to collaborate with, to create with. People who can teach me things. I've always been a one-on-one type of friend, finding it too difficult to break out of my shell around more than one person. Consistently taking the backseat during conversations, keeping all my opinions and insights to myself because of the preconceived idea that my input isn't relevant and/or important. I blame it on my upbringing. Surrounded by 9 strongly opinionated people your entire life can turn you into one of two things...overly outgoing and talkative, or inwardly judgmental and subdued. The latter was my cup of tea. No matter this business, I'm trying to break free one day at a time.

I've been taking more walks this past week, the air is so clear because of the hard rain we've had and it feels good in my lungs. Smoking hasn't become as imperative as it once was and i'm slowly weening myself away from them. Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend to swim at the Y I use to love so much. Time can do awful things to a place. It's going to be good.

Sunday Morning

My latest craze. Drinking lots of water and sitting. Painted my nails and realized I can't sit still long enough for them to dry. So i'm left with sloppy looking thumbs and pinkies and index's because I put pants on or pet my dog or dig through my purse/bag. I'm annoyed that pictures of Rick still get to me. I want to be able to see him and not be affected and I'm not there yet..not as quickly as I'd hoped to be there. I started riding Isadora again which has been amazing. As much as I love the rain, I love to be able to ride. I feel like i'm getting fat again, which is probably true do to my long hours spent doing absolutely nothing. I was sitting outside the back door last night in my pajamas and scarf and wrap and blanket smoking and was sad that I had no drama going on in my life anymore. That somehow having something to worry about and cry over makes it easier to get through a day rather than have peace which causes me to have to think about how I am stagnant and doing nothing. I hate when people ask me to go to church. I hate church. The whole idea of it at this point makes me physically ill. But at the same time I'm longing for a connection with God. I don't even know how that looks or could ever look.

Tid Bit

Well lets see here. The fast...wasn't a success. Day three I nearly blacked out at work and fell onto a counter when my knees buckled. BUt!, I made it almost three days. Kudos for me.

Day Uno

So i've begun a test of will power. Today is the first day where i've pledged to not eat food for a solid 15 days. I haven't previously been able to do this because of my love for all things eatable. I realized today just how frequently I do eat as I get hunger pangs about every two hours. They say the first three days are the hardest and today has been true to its colors. Difficult.

Deers

I don't mean any of it. I'm just hurt. Aching. And I have no one to help me get through this.

Months leading up to2008

I am so very angry, hurt too. My best friend can't think about anyone above herself...its not her fault, it's how she's built. How she's been raised. She did something that people with certainties and hope don't do. And she feels no remorse. And she doesn't care how it effects me. I feel like i'm falling apart being ripped up inside and she admits to only telling me the truth because she needs me to be there for HER, she didn't tell me out of guilt or shame that she might have hurt me and she has no agenda to be there for ME after it all came out, to care for me, to not hurt me. How am I suppose to be ok with that? She said she knows what she did is wrong, but that she really needs her best friend right now, even though what she did cut me to my core, and she doesn't even give a fuck about that. I really do want to punch her, right in the gut...but i can't because i love her. And i realize she's mearly a product of her environment.

I'm suppose to go away with her this weekend.

I don't know if i can do it.

Fuckin fuck the guy who whispers lies into your ears who you've been in love with for years. He's nothing to you, he gets no part of you, he gets no access, no ANYTHING. And fuck her too for screwing around with your head making you feel bad for meanial things because you're a good person who surely and truly loves, when she doesn't have ground to stand on when it comes to caring for others.

Fuck all this.