Naint

I'm worn out. In just about every area of my life I'm struggling with the idea of an unknown future. Where I don't have any goals or aspirations. I absolutely hate having this gut wrenching longing to be with someone...it's driving me mad. To the point where any and all boys/men catch my eye and I longingly look at them as if they have something they can offer me. I have these stupid little crushes that I think about. How it would be walking down the aisle to them, or living in the same house together, or raising a child with. It's obsessive. The girls at work lately have been talking about me, not bad or anything. They just keep saying how really neat I am, how I can wear anything and look good, and I've got a really nice shaped body and beautiful facial features. And they say they can't understand why I'm not taken. It's been depressing. The most frustrating thing is that I don't actually want to be with someone as an answer to fix my unknown future woes. I just want to figure out what the hell I actually want to work towards.
Since my last post I've been thinking about the Chicago Art Institute. Maybe going to school somewhere, which means giving up Margot. Leaving her here with my parents while I pursue a fine arts degree. I can't do it. I can't leave her. She's my baby. So that thought got thrown out the window.
Also, can I picture myself helping raise and being the main child-care provider for my best friend's child whose father could potentially be my ex-boyfriend that I've been in love with for the past two plus years? She's six days late now and the likely-hood of her being barren is looking pretty dim.
Should I pay closer attention to coincidences? Or maybe they aren't really coincidences because I wouldn't have noticed them unless this new person had come into my life in the first place. For example: hearing the same name everywhere, driving the same type of vehicle, having similar/same jobs. I'm going to drop it, the mindset i'm in about this person. It's like hoping on Margot becoming a puppy again. Tis naint gonna happen.