I need a good soaking

So what's on my mind most heavily right now? My best friend might be pregnant. And it could either be my ex's baby or her ex's baby. I feel like i should be sitting on stage talking to Mr. J. Springer ready to kick some white trash with my black flats and pull hair out. The most frustrating thing is that I was naive to the whole thing. I broke down again the other day when I realized while i was talking to her that she'd been with him a hell of a lot more recently than I thought. Hence her confusion about who the daddy might be. I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at myself. For being so vulnerable to two people who can't care. I'm still processing it and I think this is one of the best ways for me.

My mom told me I needed to start writing. Felt like it was something that i should be doing for the good of me, of my being. I think I agree with her. It's helping me get through some of my thoughts i'm refusing to let come to the surface. I've become very internalized over the past several years and couldn't understand that until I started having very straight forward dreams. Because of my refusal to deal with what's going on around me and have opinions and show emotions as things are happening to me my soul basically will do it for me in my dreams. Where what happens in the dream while i'm asleep is all of what i want to say and feel and do in real life but can't. My mind works it all out in my dreams because it NEEDS to get OUT one way or another. The dreams are like little bombs, coming unexpectedly and out of no where. It's not a healthy thing, you know...how i work.

I've been reading the Narnia books again. Started the Last Battle last night to finish the series and remembered instantly after reading the first paragraph how intensely aggravated and emotionally upset I get because of that last damn book. It's too much like real life which is too difficult for me to handle 100% of the time. Which do i prefer...happiness through blind ignorance or depression through wisdom. I don't know.

According to Arthur Burk I'm a prophet, based on his characteristics of a prophet. I pretty much fall into all the categories of traits that define a prophet. Being judgmental and suffering from depression due to the unknown path for one's life are examples. Not having a set agenda is beginning to wear me thin.

I can't eat ice cream anymore. It makes me sick. How sad is that.