I signed up for emusic again earlier this evening. Oh the wonders new music can do to one's spirit. The most noteworthy download was The Miracle Fortress album, Five Roses. I'm finding it hard to sit still to, well I generally find sitting still a difficult task but this just adds to that difficulty. Everyone is starting school again this week and I opted out of signing up for the general ed classes I kept telling everyone (including myself) that I was going to take. The idea of classes weighs so heavily on my mind that I yellow-bellied out.
It's alarming to me sometimes how badly I wish school played a more important role in my life. I want so badly to be accepted into an art school and move away and live with Margot and finish years of courses. Yet, I can never bring myself to move in that direction. A long lost friend of mine stopped by earlier today. He's been living in Tennessee for the past year or two and is in town getting pictures taken of all his work for his portfolio. He's trying to get into an art school in Savannah, Georgia. It was refreshing to see him and talk to him. He came to our house just for a few minutes to drop off his great grandmother's tin of buttons (his mom's idea to gift me) before he had to leave for the airport. I was silly and awkward and he was shaky and like an idiot I didn't even offer him an invitation to sit down. So we stood around twitching and moving and talking like two people who use to enjoy each other's company and were pleasantly surprised that the enjoyment was still there. His going to school just made it more apparent to me how much I want to do the same.
I've been surfing around seeing groups of friends on the streets, in stores, coffee shops, passing cars, in pictures, and on the interweb and I long for a group of people to work with, to collaborate with, to create with. People who can teach me things. I've always been a one-on-one type of friend, finding it too difficult to break out of my shell around more than one person. Consistently taking the backseat during conversations, keeping all my opinions and insights to myself because of the preconceived idea that my input isn't relevant and/or important. I blame it on my upbringing. Surrounded by 9 strongly opinionated people your entire life can turn you into one of two things...overly outgoing and talkative, or inwardly judgmental and subdued. The latter was my cup of tea. No matter this business, I'm trying to break free one day at a time.
I've been taking more walks this past week, the air is so clear because of the hard rain we've had and it feels good in my lungs. Smoking hasn't become as imperative as it once was and i'm slowly weening myself away from them. Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend to swim at the Y I use to love so much. Time can do awful things to a place. It's going to be good.
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