Sunday Morning

My latest craze. Drinking lots of water and sitting. Painted my nails and realized I can't sit still long enough for them to dry. So i'm left with sloppy looking thumbs and pinkies and index's because I put pants on or pet my dog or dig through my purse/bag. I'm annoyed that pictures of Rick still get to me. I want to be able to see him and not be affected and I'm not there yet..not as quickly as I'd hoped to be there. I started riding Isadora again which has been amazing. As much as I love the rain, I love to be able to ride. I feel like i'm getting fat again, which is probably true do to my long hours spent doing absolutely nothing. I was sitting outside the back door last night in my pajamas and scarf and wrap and blanket smoking and was sad that I had no drama going on in my life anymore. That somehow having something to worry about and cry over makes it easier to get through a day rather than have peace which causes me to have to think about how I am stagnant and doing nothing. I hate when people ask me to go to church. I hate church. The whole idea of it at this point makes me physically ill. But at the same time I'm longing for a connection with God. I don't even know how that looks or could ever look.